Today, after I dropped #3 off at school, as I went back out to my car, one of the Special people arrived.
- They have JUST driven past a “get off the damn phone” sign
- They have pulled up to a bright red curb marked NO PARKING
- They stopped no-shit EXACTLY where they would have started the turn-in to park in an open space
Disgusted at this behavior, I watched as I walked up to the parking lot. A FAT woman in orange and pink stripes got out the driver’s side, with a big “smart” phone with a PINK cover glued to her ear. A fat little girl got out the passenger side.
- They both walked away.
- The car was left running.
I walked past this car as the woman was escorting her child to her classroom. I had to resist the urge to get in her car and park it in the nearby legal parking space. I refrained, probably preventing contamination with whoknows-what-all nastiness in that car. Prepared to leave the bad driver to Divine Justice, I got in my car and headed for the exit.
She wasn’t out of her car for long, and she got in her car as I got into mine. As we pulled out of the parking lot, she was ahead of me. In a 2-lane exit/entry driveway, she was blocking both lanes on her way out. She took off down the road and I had to wait for traffic to make my exit. Out of sight, she dropped out of my consciousness once more. A mile or so down the road, I pulled up to a red light to go straight. When the left-turn light went green the first car drove off and the second car sat there. Sat there long enough the third car tooted their horn. Go figure, the second (unmoving) car was the same gold colored car occupied by a Special person, probably STILL buried in their cell phone.
As I say, I didn’t get in and park their car, but I could imagine the followup if I had done so:
- 911 Operator: nine-one-one, please state the nature of your emergency.
- Fat Slobby Special Woman: POLICE! DEY STOWLE MAH CURR!
- (fast-forward 1 hour)
- Policeman getting out of patrol cruiser: What seems to be the problem here ma’am?
- Fat Slobby Special Woman: DEY STOWLE MAH CURR!
- Police: uh-huh. And where was your car when it was stolen?
- FSSW: Ih wuss rah derr! (points to red curb)
- Police: You were parked in a red zone?
- FSSW: Wutchoo meen?
- Police: The curb there is painted red. It’s a red zone. You can’t park there. Your car may have been towed.
- FSSW: Ah inna seed no RAID zown!
- Police: You see how the curb is painted red, and says “NO PARKING” in 4″ high letters?
- FSSW: uh-huh. I inna seed dat.
- Police: (calmly refrains from pulling a face) So ma’am, what sort of vee-hickle is your car?
- FSSW: Issuh, gold, fordoor, wi tinnit windows.
- Police: (looks around nearly-empty parking lot, then back at FSSW) Do you know what make and model it is, or what’s the license plate number?
- FSSW: IDOHN NO! HOWLNDOWN! I havva picher ovvit heer on mah fone. (heads-down to the phone)
- Police: (mumbles into radio and walks to car to get out his citation book)
- FSSW: howldawn herr it eeis. (holds phone out to Officer Friendly)
- Police: (looks at phone. looks at woman with blank expression. looks around parking lot, then back at phone.)
- Police: Mmmm-hm. (holds out clipboard) sign this please.
- FSSW: wuss deeis?
- Police: You testified that you were illegally parked in a no-parking fire lane. This is a citation for parking on that red zone.
- FSSW: (outraged) WUUUUUUUT!? I CAWLDYEW TO COME FINE MAH STOLED CURR AND YEW GIVVIN ME A TIKKIT!?
- Police: I found your car. It’s right there. (points finger at her car in the parking spot)
- FSSW: Well I aint sign’iss
- Police: Did you, or did you not, park on this red zone?
- FSSW: (light bulb goes off over her head) Oh. Uh. Naw. Uh. I jist fergut werr I pawrked et.
- Police: Uh-huh. So no, you did not park here (points to red curb)
- FSSW: Naw. Uh. I had pawrked over their. I had jist fergawt.
- Police: Right. You have a nice day, ma’am (goes to patrol car to do paperwork)
- FSSW: (finally goes about her way)