I recently attended (as a chaperone) a childrens’ overnight camp with one of my children. There were forms and meetings beforehand, and it was made abundantly clear to the camp people (as well as the chaperones) that one of the precious snowlfake darlings has a Life Threatening Peanut Allergy. But do you want to hear the crazy part?
At the first and second meals, all the other children were able to serve themselves peanut butter AND jelly sandwiches with no difficulty. At the third meal, I overheard Helicopter Mom indignantly-and-too-loudly complaining that there had been god-forbid PEANUT PRODUCTS on the food line. For two meals! And can you guess how many people died from that?
Go on, guess.
No? Well I’ll tell you: ZERO. You know what never killed anyone yet? Being within a foot of peanut butter slime going into someone else’s mouth, or being on the same airplane as someone else who was enjoying the last vestige of customer service on an airplane, that little bag of salted peanuts. These women were practically getting themselves worked up into hysterics about something that had ZERO negative effect, but enhanced the enjoyment of the meal for several dozens of children. Get over yourself woman, and carry some diphenhydramine hcl if your child has an allergy. I’ll even grant you the extremely remote chance that your child has a Life Threatening Peanut Allergy. You know what you should do? You go to the doctor who TOLD you it was life-threatening (otherwise you are as full of shit as your co-workers think you are) and get a prescription for an epi-pen. If you can’t produce said epi-pen on a moment’s notice, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich table remains open at Camp VFD!
At home just now, I grabbed a handful out of a three-pound tin of peanuts we have just sitting open wafting deadly-dangerous PEANUT DUST all over the house and ate them while I contemplated this stupidity, then wrote up this blog post just to tweak your nose.
- If your nose isn’t tweaked, this isn’t for you
- If you are about to go ballistic, this is for you
- Actually, I guess it’s for me because I laugh at the thought of people getting outraged over anonymous internet words.
Update: more of them, the poor precious poor darlings. There are pecan trees on the campus where one of my children goes to school, and we collect the pecans. One of the children in one of my childrens’ classes has the dreaded Life Threatening Nut Allergy!!! Now my anklebiter has to surrender his pecans to me before going into the classroom because someone else in the classroom opened one of these pecans that are all over the place, and god-forbid the oil from the nut meat could have ended up where darling snowflake could come in contact with it and (to quote Grug from The Croods) AND DIE!!!1!
But you know who died? Nobody. There are crushed pecans all over the parking lot and this child routinely FAILS to become ill every.single.day despite all this holyshit NUT OIL AND DUST all over the campus.
B.S., I’m calling it.