She’s in my bones. She’s part of me.

I already knew I love my wife more than anyone. Adam said Eve was “now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh”. I felt it. While making love with the woman I love, I realized, the line between me and other blurred and we were one thing. It was an amazing spiritual connection. Flesh of my flesh, I can dig it. I get it. “God hath joined together” I felt it already.

But . . . bone of my bone? I guessed he was talking about how she was created. But now, I think maybe, he was talking about something else. I have been spending a lot of time, lately, thinking about my lover. I realized one time, when I was thinking about what life would be like without her –

that it felt like my very bones were being ripped apart! –

I can’t explain it but I felt it. For sure. She’s in my bones, y’all. The woman is a part of me and I didn’t realize how much so, until just now. God, what a thing, what a circumstance!

Incarcerated, Me?

Yes, me. Here I sit in the County Reformatory* at the old Red Ranch as I have begun to serve a sentence of unknown duration, until the Authorities agree I’ve got my mind right. The first meeting with a counselor starts in just under an hour as I write this and I don’t know how many doctors I’m going to need.

They don’t let you see your victim or your family here, including specifically my wife which is

***to be perfectly clear***

the hardest thing. Everything else that ever befell in my entire life that led me to be kindof a hard man, combined, was not as hard as the blow I gave myself last week. Like the song says,

“I can’t go with you and stay where I am”

If there is any hope of restoration of what I broke, I have to change. I know that, now. There’s things from long ago that I need to deal with. I shoved it all down deep inside and built up around it, but it was still there, and now I stepped in it and it stinks.

Next time you see me, you won’t recognize what you knew was wrong, because i’ll be better. I’m taking big steps already, believe it or not. I had already moved past the worst of the worst, mentally, and I was dragging my feet. #1 kept telling me “YOU need therapy!” and I told her “nah, I’m good.” Well bby u were correct and I was wrong on that. I’m gettin’ it.

I have to improve or there’s no chance of getting back into what I am missing out on right now. You may have heard of my hatred of paperwork. I actually sought it out today, so I could figure out how my insurance is going to play into paying for this mess. They make you pay if you talk to actual doctors. I told my dad everything, and his DW almost everything and he probably filled her in on the gaps. I told my new minister everything too. God already knew but he had to step on me a bit for me to own up; but He doesn’t give up. I wish I could tell one more person how far I’ve already come but that looks impossible right now.

********

*I’m not actually locked up, y’all. It only feels like it.

-Prison: A place for the confinement and punishment of persons convicted of crimes, especially felonies.
-Reformatory: A penal institution for the discipline, reformation, and training of … offenders

Sadness I Will Remember Forever

The words still ring in my ears and make me want to cry. “My pony!” [deleted] I’m getting all misty just thinking about this.

When our first child was maybe 3 or 4 years old, she was all about her My Little Pony stuff. She must have had a dozen or so little horses, play sets for them, accessories, clothes, the whole works. When she got a little pink pony with purple hair from McDonalds in a happy meal, she was happy about it. She was super happy about it; she loved that pony.

We stopped at the grocery store on the way home and when her door opened, the pony fell out and tumbled aaaaallll the way down into a storm drain next to where we had parked. The grates weigh like 300lbs and there was no way I could have got down there. I tried to play it off but it hurt me, to hear her plaintive cry of

“My pony!”

Sadness I Will Remember Forever

Oh man this is so [deleted] sad it still hurts me. You may think it is stupid.

When I was maybe 8 years old, M.U.S.C.L.E. figurines were the bomb. I had some and I wanted more. I would play with those things by myself and with my friends at school and I love love loved them. Had a little wrestling arena for them and everything.

One day my mom took us to a store on Highway 6 in Houston and I got a bucket of these figures and it had some of the coolest high level ones. My collection was really stepped up by having these. I was stoked.  I dropped the bucket and it spilled out all over the highway as we were crossing the road on foot. Mom had to hold me back from running across the ditch when I realized what had happened, because cars were driving through where we had just been, and running over my precious figurines.

Okay, This Is No Shit…

I’ve already mentioned previously that I’m really fast, mentally. Fast as in, I have often decided how to react before people around me have registered there is a thing to react to. Fast as in, I haven’t been satisfyingly startled by someone trying to prank me in … well, ever. Fast as in, I’m not even ticklish. Well okay … anyway

And I’m the security detail. I’m the one with a gun keeping an eye on things from the back. Except when I’m sleeping. I guess I’m “that guy” you don’t want to wake up because it’s scary. Yesterday, DW came to wake me up a minute before my Naptime’s Over alarm would have gone off. Then she regretted waking me up because I realized it was her as I was on the way up, with a fist at full-cock and she didn’t want a face full of it. She said something like “Geez, just don’t hit me” after I had already not.

I can come out of sleep already processing circumstances, is the point – fast enough to not knock out someone who comes to awaken me, halfway through the activity.

Also, I can see in the dark. At least, I can see way, way farther into violet hues than a lot of people I know, and I can navigate with confidence when other people are in pitch dark midnight blackness. To me, our house at night with various LED indicators and clocks etc. is never really pitch black. And last night was a bigass full moon, so I could see – not well, but I could see what was going on in the house without switching on a light.

Okay so. background storytime is over for now. This morning I woke up at 04:-something AM and heard a noise that could have been a child sneezing and/or wandering about doing potty business. No big deal. Back to sleep. A few minutes later, a noise probably from the house settling, in the vicinity of my bedroom door. No big deal. Back to sleep. Thus often interrupted, I was sleeping badly. I don’t know what woke me at 05:-something but I woke up on my side, face pointed horizontally across the bed and off toward the door. There was a person there.  About as tall as the shortest of our children.

And completely white.

And translucent.

At this point, my brain is half asleep, and half has just started going 100 miles an hour, and the whole self is about 86% of the way toward losing its shit completely. [expletive deleted] ghost, right here in my bedroom and I’m trapped under the covers.

Okay self, SITREP time. Here is a translucent, child-sized, white-including-the-clothes person, standing next to my bed. Odds were pretty small, but the sleeping part of my mind said it still could be a child. I put out an arm to grab its shoulder. Maybe it would have been a half-punch-speed grab, but I was about to start freaking out here.

My arm went straight through this thing,I kid you not. At this point, I was at a loss for an appropriate response. The wakeful part of my mind was thinking it might have been a bad idea to have reached out and grabbed at this thing, whether it had been grab-able or not.

My eyes drifted left, to where my hand had gone. The whatever-it-is followed my eyes’ motion, staying in the same place within my field of view. Floating now over the foot of my bed. Okay 100% now for-sure this is not one of my children.

I closed my eyes. It was still there with my eyes closed. This did not make me feel better.

When I wake up in a nightmare, I repeat the Lord’s name quietly to myself. It’s often as good a prayer as I can come up with, plus I figure it’s at least a nuisance to whatever spirit might have decided to come mess with me, if that’s why I’m having a nightmare. So here I am “JesusJesusJesus”ing and I realized:

I was rolling around on the bed. I had been on my side. My eye was smooshed on one side by a pillow and the eye was recovering. I told the apparition, (said silently, to myself, in my head) “now you are going to fade away. you are going to start strobing and shrinking, and shrinking” and it did.  I recognized this as mental noise, it went away, and I chilled out. No big deal. Back to sleep.

I think, if I were a little slower, I would have pitched a full-scale fit right then-and-there. But I swung an arm, then rolled over on my back. No screaming, no jumping out of bed and dragging the covers with me, no waking DW up to a freaking-out husband. Thank God it was -literally!- nothing.

Yes, God Talks To Me

Every once in a while, I get an urge.  A hunch.  A feeling.  An inclination to act or to not act, with no apparent basis in circumstances at the time.  Then it works out beautifully.

I can be driving along in perfectly-normal traffic and I get the urge to change lanes.  If I don’t, I end up behind a mile of cars at a red light, and if I do I drive by a mile of cars in the “wrong” lane at the green light.  An instinct to take one step, and then something comes crashing down where my foot used to be.  Tonight, I was going to do some intricate wiring on an electronics project, and I had a feeling I shouldn’t solder the wires down until I was done routing them all.  And I made a mistake.  If it had been soldered, it would have been a minor disaster.  It wasn’t soldered, so it worked out fine.

God made the universe.  God made the Earth, Sun, Moon and Stars.  By His wisdom, at His will, all things consist.  He can turn the heart of a King at His will . . . but you don’t give Him enough credit to give the occasional hint to his children?

What the Hell, Austin?!

I don’t panic.  I can recall exactly one time I started to panic, then chilled myself out.  I was stuck, trapped in a confined space where nobody would have been able to rescue me.  After collecting my wits, I extracted myself.

Then today.  This morning, I was hacking up a lung, recovering from my recent sinus infection.  I thought.  I drove to Houston for the day, and didn’t think twice about breathing clearly all day.  Then I came back to the Hill Country.  Just past Washington County, maybe about Bastrop, and I had to fight off the onset of for-real panic.  My lungs were filling up with crap and I didn’t realize it until I had to calm myself.  I thought for a moment I was freaking out about driving through the gloaming, but I LOVE driving.  Dusk, dawn, day, night, rain, hail, fair weather, whatever.  I love it.  I wouldn’t panic about it!  It was my inability to respirate.

Ugh.

P.S., the drivers in Houston ALL speed.  Even the metro buses are going 15% over the speed limit.  But they are courteous.  Unlike the jerks on the road around here.

I’ll Be In Town All Week!

DW went into the laundry room and turned off the light.  The garage lights shine through.  She opened the door and switched off those as well.  And slammed the door.*  She came into the lighted living room, saw the lit-up dining room, and three bedrooms and a bathroom, all with their lights on.  And our house is adequately lit by the evening sun, which was streaming in through the windows.  She asked the family (all congregated in the living room), “Why are all these lights on?!”

This seemed like a good question which really should have a good response.  I racked my brains.  Earth Day was last week.  Last week for Earth Day, I frustrated her a little with my mode of celebration – which is of course, leaving lights on unnecessarily.  But that was last week.  I couldn’t say it was Earth Day again!

VFD: It’s Earth Day!
DW: I’ts not Earth Day.
VFD: It’s Earth Day every day!
The Zoo: LOL

*The door has a stiff weather seal around it, and you either have to slam or close gently and push with a shoulder.  Everybody slams the door, or else it stays half-open and you’re air conditioning the whole world!

Where’s that Drummer?

I needed a rimshot this weekend.  My baby sister is in college these days, taking (get this) EIGHTEEN hours of courses.  Not 18 this year.  18 this term.  She started to fall behind a little, and has dropped one course:  Calculus-based physics.

I told her that I couldn’t take that class because if I tried to go into the classroom I would bounce off the force field.  My dad said he could go into the class, which surprised me a little – but he followed it up by saying “but my head would immediately explode.”

We’re more on the mechanical side of things than the equation-based theoretical side, my dad and I!