For President, there is only one choice. Don Trumpo must prevail.
United States Senator
Ted Cruz is /ourguy/
R E (Rufus) Lopez – if you have been a laywer for nearly 60 years, you are too old to be STARTING in politics, sorry. Plus his big round head is silly looking. Nobody likes bald guys. Thats why Donny Trump keeps his mane so lush. This man is 82 years old. It’s too old. Also, he is not apparently doing much in the way of campaigning, I guess it’s too stressful for someone of his advanced age.
Holland “Redd” Gibson – seriously? A guy with a communist colored nickname? Pass. Anyone who lives in Houston is disqualified automatically. Plus he’s retired in Houston. Retirees should move to Boca. Also candidates should campaign, unless their candidacies are fronts for money-laundering ops. I don’t see any campaigning going on here, Holly.
United States Representative, District 17
Pete Sessions – Is on the right side of lots of issues, and has not been making himself odious. He’s coming up on “been in congress too long” but he’s going to win this primary and the general, both in a landslide, and that’s okay once more.
Joseph T. Langone – Come back when you’re older, son. 29 is too young to be in Congress. Truck drivers are cool with me. MAGApushers are cool with me. Guys with leather hats are cool with me. The weak goatee, he needs to shave or let it grow in. I don’t trust his face; he looks shady somehow. I don’t like that he’s got his wife at home rearing children while he drives truck. Also, godaddysites.com is not where you go to host a serious campaign.
Railroad Commissioner
Christi Craddick – the incumbent, who appears to be uncontroversial and who resists the leftards in her official capacity.
Corey Howell – does not appear to have an active campaign. Corey bb u gotta at least try a little bit.
Christie Clark – in contrast with Jimmy, below, her main qualification is that she IS an attorney. LOL next
Petra Reyes – has a rambling narrative, but no clear position statements on her campaign website. Try again.
James “Jim” Matlock – the manliest man sounding name of the batch should be an easy one for the people who care about that sort of thing! However, according to him, “The best qualification I can think of is that I am not an attorney” … this is not the flex he thinks it is.
Justice, Supreme Court, Place 4
Brian Walker – is already a judge. Maybe he should stay where he is. Also, how does someone become a FORMER pastor?
John Devine – You already know how I feel about incumbent judges. I prefer to keep them. The main campaign against this one seems to be that he’s too heavily influenced by religious and cultural traditions I share. Haters take a hike, this one may be /ourguy/
Presiding Judge, Court of Criminal Appeals
Sharon Keller – another incumbent to keep.
David J. Schenck – there’s something wrong with his eyes. Also his main campaign point seems to be “this woman I’m running against is old” which is not the way. Also, and I cannot emphasize this enough: If you are running for an elected office, your campaign website ABSOLUTELY MUST NOT have a “meet [candidatename]” page that is a 404 error.
Judge, Court of Criminal Appeals, Place 7
Barbara Parker Hervey – Another incumbent we should keep.
Gina Parker – seems upset at a ruling these 3 criminal appeals judges made … an 8-to-1 ruling. 8 to 1 means you are wrong for disagreeing LOL get rekt and find a better campaign manager for next year
Judge, Court of Criminal appeals, Place 8
Michelle Slaughter (great name for a judge BTW) – these 3 appeals court judges are being targeted for the same reason: they followed the law. This hurt the feelings of a guy with power and influence.
Lee Finley – can’t keep up with a mortgage? IDK but it looks bad. Somehow an action from 2016 is still pending. Let this clear up and maybe we’ll take you serious next year, k?
Republican primary ballot propositions
Proposition 1: Texas should eliminate all property taxes without increasing Texans’ overall tax burden.
Sounds nice, doesn’t work. I am for getting rid of property taxes, but unless you specify we’re going to a consumption tax, the easy next step is an income tax, which is WORSE.
Proposition 2: Texas should create a Border Protection Unit, and deploy additional state law enforcement and military forces, to seal the border, to use physical force to prevent illegal entry and trafficking, and to deport illegal aliens to Mexico or to their nations of origin.
Yes. And, by physical force, I mean SHOOT THEM as they are coming over the wall. Women and children, too. Stack up a pile of bodies on the South side of the wall like it’s World War Z up in this. Either it’s an emergency and an invasion, or we’re playing tiddlywinks and should stop pretending.
Proposition 3: The Texas Legislature should require the use of E-Verify by all employers in Texas to protect jobs for legal workers by preventing the hiring of illegal aliens.
No. This is one step nearer to the Mark of the Beast. Avoid using a national database to verify employment. You fucking know who’s illegal. Do the right thing. Persecute people who hire illegals. This ain’t it, chief.
Proposition 4: The Texas Legislature should end all subsidies and public services, including in-state college tuition and enrollment in public schools, for illegal aliens.
Uh, duh? I know these propositions are red meat for the faithful, but this is retarded and should never have been a thing, in the first place!
Proposition 5: Texas urges the United States Congress not to grant any form of amnesty or a pathway to legalization for illegal aliens.
Easy yes.
Proposition 6: The Texas Legislature should prohibit the deployment of the Texas National Guard to a foreign conflict unless Congress first formally declares war
Yes.
Proposition 7: The Texas Legislature should establish authority within the Texas State Comptroller’s office to administer access to gold and silver through the Texas Bullion Depository for use as legal tender
This is retarded. We don’t need more government just so people can trade in commodities. No.
Proposition 8: The State of Texas should ensure that Texans are free to give or to withhold consent for any vaccine without coercion.
Yes
Proposition 9: The Republican Party of Texas should restrict voting in the Republican primary to only registered Republicans.
Easy yes. Don’t let the leftards come cock it up on purpose. They believe in dermerkrissy so much, let them vote in their own party.
Proposition 10: The Texas Constitution should be amended to restore authority to the Texas Attorney General to prosecute election crimes.
Easy yes.
Proposition 11: Texa parents and guardians should have the right to select schools, whether public or private, for their children, and the funding should follow the student.
Easy yes. Haters sit down.
Proposition 12: The Texas Constitution should be amended to require proof of citizenshipbefore any individual can be registered to vote
Easy yes.
Proposition 13: Texas should ban the sale of Texas land to citizens, governments, and entities from China, Iran, North Korea, and Russia.
Easy yes. This shouldn’t need a ballot measure to shift the legislature, don’t be lazy.
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This voters guide has been the most fun to produce of any, like ever. Ask anyone, they’ll all tell you. Have some fun in life every once in a while. Make funny noises in person and smile at least twice a day.